So, are you ready? -Phan-
by kittyxuchiha11
Summary: After hiding their relationship for over four years, Dan wants to come out. But maybe the reason they haven't come out already isn't because of Dan's choice to hide it. I tried hard to write this (writers block is a nightmare to overcome) Please read, it would mean the world to me, thank you :)


Phil never thought that Dan would actually agree to it. It had become a little game between them that they had played for years now. Phil would ask Dan jokingly when he wanted to come out. Dan would get all pouty and bury his head in Phil's neck telling him it wasn't funny. Of course Phil found it hilarious, always laughing softly as Dan grumbled and pouted at him. But now something had changed.

Dan was being just plain flirty on camera. Purposely standing too close so their arms or even hands would touch. At first Phil was a little confused since Dan had previously been very strict on the non-contact rule. But he soon loosened up a little. Smiled back at Dan as his boyfriend nudged him or lay a hand on his back. Of course he didn't act completely natural. They simply couldn't because the fans would start with all their 'phan proof' stuff again. He didn't actually mind it, but he knew Dan did. And Phil honestly didn't want to have to act like they used to with no touching or even acting as if they were even friends. He enjoyed being able to laugh and joke and act like he was actually enjoy himself while on camera. He liked having Dan then way he was now.

So as usual it came to their usual Sunday night routine. Get in from the radio show, Phil puts the kettle on, Dan gets changed into his pyjamas. Phil goes to also get changed then meets Dan back in the kitchen, where they both sip of their newly made hot chocolate for a few minutes before moving through to the lounge where they finish their drinks. Then Dan leans into Phil, snuggling into his side while Phil wraps his arm around the younger male protectively.

It's normally in these sweet little moments where there is just a small silence when Phil decides to ask the question that he already knows the answer to.

"So Dan, ready to come out yet?" he asks with a small smile tugging at his lips. Normally Dan grumbles or sighs before making his cute little pouty face, but today he doesn't. He just stares at Phil with a thoughtful expression before a smile also appears on his face.

"Actually, yeah. I think I am"

Phil's stunned into silence he's actually so shocked. He never in a million years thought Dan would actually agree to it. He shakes his head slightly, trying to rid himself of the hateful messages he's already imagining and looks into Dan's eyes.

"You're joking, right?"

His smile faded, his eyes looking towards the now empty white mug beside him. "No…I mean, don't you think it's time we told them?"

"But you-"

"Look, Phil. I know I wanted to keep it a secret in the past, but times have changed. celebrities are even coming out and not getting much hate. I can handle a little hate"

Phil bit his lip lightly before sighing "I guess you're right but-"

"We don't have to, but I want to. So whenever you're ready, I'm ready"

As Dan's words actually began to make sense in Phil's mind, that's when he began to panic. Not completely panic. More just like worrying about peoples reactions and things. Phil had been completely happy with only their friends and family knowing. And maybe the fans knowing wouldn't be so bad. That is he knew he could handle it. Dan was another story altogether.

Dan shared his stories about his existential crises but never actually talked about everything which caused these. Of course he was stressed about the things he said he was, but that wasn't the main factor. Phil had lost count of the amount of times he'd held Dan in his arms and listened to him sob about how sorry he was that they couldn't be an 'outed' couple. Phil would just tell him it was okay. That they didn't need to be an outed couple because they were in love and if only they knew about their love for each other than that was fine.

Although coming out sounded like a sort of good idea, maybe it wasn't.

Over the next few weeks Phil had to think hard about this, not sharing these thoughts with Dan because he didn't want to cause disagreement. Most of those thoughts just made him feel uneasy. He would talk to Dan, if Dan hadn't been the main cause of why they hadn't come out after dating for like a year or something. After all, they had been dating for four, nearly five years now. And Phil had the feeling that if he told Dan he didn't want to come out, Dan would feel insulted that after nearly five years of the stress and anxiety it took to pluck up the courage to tell people- was all for nothing. Well to say he would be annoyed would be a huge understatement.

Of course both positive and negative thoughts ran through his mind during this time. One day Phil would be thinking that hey it wouldn't be that bad. There are so many positives. Dan would be happy that Phil acted on what he said. Their fan base was largely made up of 'phangirls', therefore telling them phan was real wouldn't be so bad. And of course -as Dan had said- lots of people were actually finding the courage to come out and everyone was okay with it. That was from celebrities too Youtubers and honestly Phil was surprised at how well most people took it.

Phil always thought of the internet as an amazing but very dangerous place. A place where someone can seem so lovely and happy but the minute you share an opinion that isn't theirs they turn. And honestly, that really kind of freaked Phil out.

The fact that, sure people would be supportive but they were still the same fan girls who messaged them telling them they needed to be together. If they found out phan was in fact real, they'd freak out. Start demanding make out sessions and copies of sex tapes. Really, really creepy stuff like that.

So weeks after that Sunday night that Dan had announced his news, the inevitable happened. Phil had expected some sort of disagreement. A sort of fight or at least a few hard words exchanged on the topic. But that's not what Phil found when Dan wondered in 'his' room. Phil was on his laptop, as usual. Just sorting a few things for his new videos. Just a few touch ups that he knew he really didn't need to do but living with Dan had made him very aware that well edited videos were better videos.

"Phil?…"

Phil immediately looked towards the doorway, placing his laptop on the floor beside his bed. He could tell just by Dan's voice that something wasn't right. Now, this didn't necessarily mean something was wrong. This just meant he wasn't completely okay. You see Dan had this sound to his voice when he wanted something or was thinking about something. Like he would use that voice when he wanted to get Phil's attention for something as simple as a little cuddle. But as Phil's eyes met with Dan's, he could tell this was something more serious.

Phil held his arm out, pushing himself forward and off the bed slightly. Dan took the cue, walking forward and reaching out his hand until it was clasped firmly in his boyfriends own hand. Phil let a small comforting smile form on his lips as he gently tugged on Dan's hand and pulled him towards him.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, wrapping an arm securely around Dan's shoulders as the brown haired boy sat on the edge of the bed beside Phil.

Dan didn't answer, he didn't even respond. Just stared down at his hands that were now clasped together in his lap. Phil waited for a few seconds before trying again and asking if he wanted to talk about it. Dan nodded this time, a single tear dripping onto his hand.

"I want to tell them Phil, I need to tell them"

Phil knew that he would say it at some point, he knew it had to come up. But he hadn't expected it to like this. He thought it would be a casual conversation on how they wanted to do it. But here in came Dan, speaking through shaky breaths and little sobs like he does during his existential crises'.

It was then that Phil realized that was exactly what this was.

Dan wanted to come out so badly that he told Phil he wanted this. But after the weeks Phil had kept his thoughts to himself, Dan had done the same. Thinking of all the negative things and now this was breaking point. The point where he couldn't handle being alone with all those horrible thoughts and needed Phil. Just needed him to tell him that everything would be okay.

"We don't have too, it's okay" Phil tried to reassure him, not sure if to settle for rubbing his partners back to try sooth him or to try hug the sadness away.

"We do, we have to. I want them to know I love you. I want them-" he tried to stutter out, interrupting himself with a loud sob which triggered many more heartbreaking sobs. Phil wrapped his arm around Dan's waist tightly, pulling the younger boy towards him with a small almost inaudible sigh.

"Dan, it's okay. I know"

Dan didn't even acknowledge that he'd heard Phil at all. He just buried his face in Phil's neck sobbing loudly as his knuckles turned white from gripping his boyfriend shirt with such force.

They stayed like this for a long time. Phil rubbing Dan's back soothingly until the cries had stopped and his breath had steadied. He slowly came down from his state and fell asleep just like that. Clutching Phil's shirt like he was afraid to let go.

Phil knew it that moment that this had to stop. That this wasn't healthy for either of them. They couldn't tell the fans and that was it. And maybe this was unfair but Phil couldn't take seeing Dan like this anymore. They wouldn't tell them and that was final. It wasn't because Dan didn't want to anymore.

But because Phil wouldn't let him.


End file.
